Spring Awakening

Unslumping yourself is not easily done...but it is possible

True to form for this time of year, March was a slow, yawning stretch for me after a lonnnnnggggg hibernation.

I hit 9 months post baby #2 and just felt so low, so sluggish, so aggressively Not Me that it really shook me. I think I hadn’t even realized the extent to which I was stagnant until Kandreas, my husband, kindly pointed it out.

“I’ve never in my life known you this stagnant” he said. “It’s not like you- you’ve always been moving and hooping and dancing and outside and creating and lately you’re just….not”.

And it really hit me. I wasn’t ‘just’ tired, busy, stressed, in a rut….I was depressed. I was not thriving. I was feeling angry and bitter (at no one in particular and everyone at once) and completely lacking motivation. So ensued a long month of unravelling the mess, examining how I was feeling, inviting people into it to help me begin to make sense of things. I have welcomed the support of friends and family, listened to advice and wisdom. I took a major step back from creating content and let my brother take the wheels for a moment while I focused on myself, my family, my home. Took a bunch of little tiny steps that individually didn’t feel like much but a month later I feel completely different. Still tired, yes. Still a bit stressed, very busy. But with hope. With inspiration! And with renewed energy to move through this cycle and into the next season of growth.

I’m actually really passionate about this process of inner healing, returning to self and thriving. It’s a process I have been through before, multiple times in my life- with addictions, eating disorders, trauma, major mistakes - but the biggest and most effective healing journey was after Kensa was born, around the same time maybe when he was around 10 months old. I was also in a rut. I kept trying to implement all the healthy habits I knew I need and just crumbling beneath the weight of them. Instead, I made a little program for myself, I called it “Changing my life in 90 days” and decided to make 1 new positive action every day instead of my usual “I’m overhauling my whole life all at once” and inevitably failing. By the end of that 90 days, I had mad a habit of positive action and my life had truly changed in all the areas I needed it to -and more (and I had gained my first 50k followers on TikTok, created my first digital download that went viral and lowkey changed our lives, and started a whole new career!)

This time has just been harder and deeper, for some reason. More responsibilities, less time. Bigger changes. Deeper lows. The realities of TWO kids in the early days was so challenging, and so implementing all of the things I ‘know’ I should do hasn’t been so easy. It’s been discouraging to know all the answers but feel powerless to put them into practice. So, just like countless times before, I started small. So small I felt really lame and humbled, like I SHOULD KNOW THIS STUFF. But there are a few key things that just helped begin the process. What I wanted was to change all these big sweeping lifestyle things but what I needed first was an internal shift. As Dostoyevsky says “Don't forget the small things, above all, don't forget the small things” because sometimes the smallest steps are the most important.

1. Name it and share it. I knew I was NOT doing ok for a while, but I couldn’t really see the full picture or the way out until I began to talk about it. Sharing how I was struggling with trusted people helped me to recognize it properly.

2. Get aggressive with your self talk. The most transformative thing for me in phases of growth has been cracking down on the “I am” statements in my mind- my automatic is so often “I’m so dumb, I’m failing, I’m not enough…”. It takes a little practice but catching yourself every time you speak negativity over yourself and correcting it to a positive truth or encouragement is LIFE CHANGING. Practice makes perfect, it gets easier.

3. Positive inputs only. My dad always said- “Garbage in, garbage out”- what music you listen to, books (or audiobooks), shows, podcasts, even conversations with friends, all weave the story of your reality. Listening to music with messages that doesn’t align with who you are trying to be and how you want to live is only creating more barriers for your subconscious.

4. Go outside, preferably barefoot. The benefits of grounding (bare feet on the earth) are so numerous and just being in nature is known to be so healing and stress relieving that it’s even prescribed as treatment in Japan. Find the nearest body of water and sit in it. Touch a tree, breathe, every day. Ideally first thing in the morning. THE DIFFERENCE THIS MAKES IS INSANE.

5. Ask for help. Even if you feel isolated and alone, there are so many people around you with willingness to support and skills to share. Allow some of the mental and physical load to be taken on by those who are willinging- remember, to have a Village you have to be a villager. Sometimes that means offering help and sometimes it means accepting help. Lately I have had friends watch my kids, help me work out, sit with me to organize my priorities, help make gut healing eating plans, make shelves. (actually one friend did most of that, S/O Hailey). They will feel needed and appreciated and you will feel supported.

6. One thing at a time. At least personally, I always try to change everything in my life at once, have maybe a day or two of success and then get derailed, become horribly frustrated with myself. The BIGGEST lasting growth I’ve had came from deciding to make one positive step every day, little or big depending on your energy. Just slowly build upon the little wins.

The little wins is a really life changing concept- having consistent positive feedback and encouragement from your own self is so energizing. More often than not the end goal isn’t what I needed the most. Not to sound horrifically cheesy, but *the journey* of getting there is what is transformative. Making a lifestyle of intentional action, reminding yourself daily that your choices are YOURS to make. This means shifting yourself from an onlooker perspective to an active participant in your life, practicing presence and intention and recognizing that it is the little actions that add up to the greatest effect. Each day, year, life, is a compilation of millions of moments, and each moment is a building block towards a theme of greater joy or greater dissonance. Do not despise the day of small things.

I can’t wait to continue sharing this journey as I walk it, I know that I am not alone in this season. If you feel inspired to join me, you can check out my “Spring Awakening” - eventually I took my 90 day challenge and combined it with cycle syncing principles into a book with daily prompts you can follow if you yourself are feeling stagnant. I’m considering taking my own advice again and following it myself…. in fact, comment “Awakening” if you think I should make a little forum group for any members who wants to join me in this journey and support each other along the way!

Accountability has always been my secret weapon and I could use all the accountability I can get these days. Thank you so much for being here with me, friend.