Mushy brain Media

"In a world where everything is a ‘take’ a ‘hook’ and ‘angle’…where do we create space for the journey of explorative expression?"

At first glance, my mind seems like a blank page. But in reality, it is criss crossed with invisible ink scribbles and words, so many that even if revealed they would be impossible to decipher for the amount they overlap and intertwine with each other. At least, that’s how it feels.

Lately, my brain has been such a buzz of competing thoughts, feelings, ideas, words, that almost nothing seems a complete thought, and though I know I have thinks to think and words to speak, unravelling them seems so challenging.

I materialize 8 blog post ideas at once but when I sit to write the actual words seem to dissipate- I suddenly have no knowledge or ideas in my brain, let alone an intro, three point body and conclusion. Suddenly I’m ten steps ahead of my own wonderings, concerned about what others will think of my thought, comparing it to other peoples thoughts.

The curse of a cluttered mind. But that’s not all it is.

In a world where everything is a ‘take’ a ‘hook’ and ‘angle’…where do we create space for the journey of explorative expression? When do we give our minds enough room to breathe, enough time to truly take in deep, enriching, delicious information and inspiration, chew it over and actually churn it into something altogether our own, delightful and fulfilling before it even reaches its finished form, just because of the process of getting there.

I’ve been noticing lately just how deeply my mind seems to be effected by the easy dopamine entertainment hits with which I fill it every day.

I open instagram and scroll for 20 minutes. My algorithm is so wonderfully programmed to me that every single video is incredibly inspiring- every minute offers a new genius recipe, divine parenting insight, whimsical craft, philosophical lesson. Each one sends my mind on a tangent of ideas- a new to-do, an add to my TBR, then of self deprecating “I should be doing that” or analytical comparison- what camera are they using? How did they film this so beautifully? Are their kids crying at them in the background or does that just happen to me? Does this come as easily to them as it seems, am I doing something wrong? And then the roller coaster loops right back to pleasant inspiration as I open my notes app to write down another cluster of weird protein rich hidden fiber treat recipe ideas that I will never revisit.

My notes app would shock people.

Suddenly, I’ve become very aware of the utter overstimulation that all of this input - even good, inspiring and positive input - wreaks upon my mind. After 15 minutes I’m reeling with thoughts, after 30 I’m starting to feel bad about myself and my lack of follow through, and any longer than that and it all turns into a mush ball in my brain. I can hardly remember anything I’ve seen, but I have the distinct feeling that the next scroll might somehow be the inspiration piece that solves my very real life queries or concerns. It never is. But I scroll again.

My scrolling has decreased quite a lot lately. A combination of simply not having the time, of purposefully retraining myself to reach for more challenging dopamine like physical books, and honestly a bit of disillusionment with social media.

I think I, like many others, am becoming tired of the treadmill of what is no longer ‘social’ media and what I can only call maybe, ‘consumption’ media. I’m tired of seeing the same types of things over and over, yes, but more than that I’m tired of seeing people trying to sell themselves, to hook me, to engage me, to be worthy of views, follows likes. I’m tired of finding that same drive within myself when I create, I hate it, I want to actively work against it even though it’s my job and the apps don’t like it when you don’t play their games.

But mostly, I think I’m tired of the constant onslaught of information. Maybe it’s the way my brain works and maybe some others don’t feel it so acutely, although I have a feeling it affects us all.

little 'unposted' snippets

I am so textbook ADHD it’s almost laughable, and while I purposefully don’t order my life around that diagnoses, and choose to muddle through unmedicated, it is an undeniable fact when it comes to how my brain works. It is LOUD in there. So loud that I often can’t hear my own thoughts. If I’m managing to keep up with all my *healthy life habits* then it feels quieter, and daily tasks and bigger goals are more achievable. When life gets too full, and I start to be a bit like a hamster on a motorized wheel set juuust slightly too fast for my little legs…the healthy habits fall behind (right when I need them most) and little by little the noise get’s so loud all I can do is sit in one place and cover my proverbial ears. Good old task paralysis. It can make daily life really challenging.

So because of this baseline mental chatter, I really like having background noise or entertainment. It quiets my own mind so I can get on with life while zoning in (or out?) to what I’m listening to, and I find myself leaning on it more the more at my limit I am. In it’s healthiest form, this can be blasting music while I’m cleaning or listening to a podcast on a drive. My less healthy versions have been tv on constantly in the background or, more recently, constant audiobooks (you can tell how overwhelmed I am by how many fantasy books I’ve listened to in a given month).

All of that is well and good- although I have a bent toward distraction and struggle for peaceful presence, that’s one to take up with my therapist another time- at least I am getting things done and focusing on one long plot, or learning something right?

But then at the top of the brain-filling distraction pyramid is ‘social’ media- or at least, the ‘for you page’ scroll-session social media. It’s an all consuming, mind filling, quick and easy access dopamine that has my whole body and mind on couch lock. What at first feels like quieting my brain for a little respite and ‘zone-out’ after a long day actually has the opposite effect- it slams my brain with so much different stimuli in such a short space of time that I practically short circuit.

Worst of all, I most often do this when I’m procrastinating a task that I know will use my brain, or at the end of the day, when the kids have just gone to bed and ‘my time’ has begun. My husband and I will flop on the couch and zone out as a little ‘reward’ or reset after the end of a long day and the exhausting dinner-bath-bedtime extravaganza. But what could be 15 minutes of rest before beginning an evening of interesting and inspiring time to ourselves often turns into an hour of overstimulating input that actually leaves me with a sort of ‘social media sea legs’ when I finally wrench myself away. At this point its 9 pm, I still haven’t showered and suddenly the idea of journaling, painting, reading, writing or researching that new topic I keep saying I’m so interested in…feels insurmountable. And it is- my poor grey matter has been churning so fast that it’s left void.

things i cant do while scrolling

I’ve genuinely come to the conclusion that scroll time is the main obstacle to all of the things I feel like are a struggle in my life- time management, organization, brain fog or chatter, overstimulation, mood. It feels like I can trace so much of it back to the moments every day that are handed over to screens in an unintentional way. I don’t mean the 15 minutes a couple times a day, checking on friends, replying to people, having a little scroll and then moving on. I mean the hours. The stolen moments at the countertop that are suddenly 10 minutes. The ‘just one more video’ in bed and then its 1 am. Or even ‘just one more episode’ and then, again, 1 am. But it isn’t just stealing our time- it’s hijacking our real, day to day interpretation of our own life.

My parents always drilled into us that your input becomes your output. What you watch & listen to effects your actions, thoughts and expressions. What if we apply this to social media- a billion different inputs and a constant marketing onslaught. I don’t just mean people trying to actually sell things. Every piece of media is a sale-of an idea, of a brand, a person, a ploy for your attention and engagement. If they’re doing a good job, they’re selling you something that you want- inspiration, aspiration, education or relatability.

We are being sold a thousand stories a day and end up wondering what our story is worth. We are selling our attention in exchange for the feeling of an experience, and not the real thing. We are all watching other people live their lives and then feeling like our lives aren’t enough. And plot twist, the people you’re watching are probably watching your life, or others like you, and feeling the same thing.

I have no problem with mindful media consumption, in fact, I love it. I create it. I’ve always been a visual creator, an actor since childhood, a lover of film and media in the truest sense of the word. But I don’t love when it takes over my own interpretation of my own life.

I don’t love watching other people do and experience and learn things and allowing that to trick me into feeling like I was doing, experiencing and learning it- just for a moment- before locking my phone and immediately feeling regret or emptiness for all the things I’m not doing….just to open it back up a moment later for another hit of that false experience feeling.

I don’t love looking at my own life and experiences through the lens of how they could be packaged for social media. It inevitably leads to perfection paralysis and a lack of authenticity. And this is where so many of us are living these days. Obviously there is nothing, NOTHING wrong with sharing your life online- I do it, I love it! But when suddenly everything has to be a hook, an angle, an aesthetic, we lose our actual life flow. When every thought has to be a ‘take’ suddenly the thoughts disappear because we leave no room for them to grow and take shape of their own accord. We rush everything to a finished final product because that is what we are inundating our minds with day after day, instead of allowing for the journey and process of getting there and just enjoying that for what it is.

things I enjoy more when not worried about the aesthetics

Even motherhood is deeply effected by this- I am convinced that most of us would not be nearly so overstimulated, stressed, guilt-ridden or burnt out if we were scrolling 70% less and experiencing 80% more. I find my screen time effects our days just as much as, if not more than, my kids screen time (and I am so lax with mine meanwhile policing theirs like their life depends upon it. Because I know it does. Is that hypocritical?). Not to mention, comparison is the thief of joy and there are countless reasons that every mother is different and good in their own way, but my algorithm would lead me to believe I’m not doing nearly enough if I’m not like ‘her’

I think that’s what has caused me to be a bit….quiet lately. I’m dancing between these two worlds of consumption and creation. On one hand, recognizing the overstimulation of media and the over-marketing of everything we do, think and create. I feel the effects of that machine upon myself and don’t want to create with the idea of ‘how my creation will be consumed’ at the epicenter of my process. And on the other hand, wanting to express, to create, to process vulnerably and publicly, as a sort of antidote to all of the slop and the ‘perfection’, and feeling this deep desire to put things of value into the world. Yet sometimes I wonder if I really have value to bring, and what qualifies me to think that I do- follower count?? The luck of the draw? I don’t want to be another voice putting out useless ‘takes’ into the ether to further muddy the waters of everyones minds. If I am going to share, I want it to be of depth, from real thought and marination. And honestly, if I’m not being diligent with my own inputs and creative process then I’m just another repackager of 60 second sound byte takes, and that is not what I want to be.

So this post I guess is me just breaking that silence for myself. Talking about probably the realest thing that I’ve been processing. Giving my self time and space to really follow a thought for the first time in a while. Honestly, it’s invigorating, I feel like I could write about this forever now that I’ve started, and have about 5 tangents I could go on but this is already getting out of hand so I will reign it in.

At the end of the day, I love the human experience. I love our thoughts, our inner worlds, our communities and creations and how we express and connect through them. I love the way the online world brings us together in a world where so many of us are isolated and so much traditional media is confusing and untrustworthy. I love everything I have learned from creators and thinkers online. But the moment that the consumption of fast food media overtakes the actual experiencing of my own life and thoughts, I know I need to pull back. And the more I pull back, the more I notice it’s effects, and the more I want to pull back farther. I want to be a part of the solution to that, not part of the problem. I don’t want to be a creator that is a slave to the demands of the consumption media machine.

Maybe in another post I’ll share what I’m doing to combat all of this noise, while still creating and consuming mindfully…

If you made it this far, please comment a piece of media you consumed this week that made you think deeply, learn something truly remarkable, or brought you deep joy in a way that stuck with you.